How to Live With Your Parents (Week 2)

Here are some tips for keeping the peace at your parents' house:

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1) Don't let you parents see you waste too much time

Try not to waste much time on your computer or TV, but if you can’t help yourself, then at least try to stay out of public spaces when you are playing Farmville.  It will help your cause and keep them off your back if the assumption is that you have all of your shit together and don’t need any supervision or prodding.  If your parents have jobs, then you can use this time to watch dumb TV, but don’t flaunt it while they are around.  It will be very easy for them to return to old habits of treating you like a teenager, and that will be very bad for your morale.  And you’re going to need that stuff.

But seriously, this isn't summer vacation.  If you plan to get out of here soon, there are a million ways to make it happen, and any of them would be a better use of your time than random web surfing, watching TV, or aimlessly chatting with people at home.

2) Help out more than your "fair share", but at clearly defined times and in clearly designated roles

This one is important.  Since you are probably living rent-free (we’ll discuss finances and living arrangements next week) it’s going to be very important to decide how and when you will do “favors” for your parents.  Of course, this will depend on the particulars of your situation, but more than likely you will be getting a lot of requests to drop off a stack of books at the library, or pick up carrots for the pot roast, or to pick up your Mom’s friend from daycare., or to be home from 12-3 to make sure the washing-machine repairman is let in the house.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t do these things.  But I am saying that the solid blocks of time that you envisioned when you made the decision to move back in with your parents will be constantly interrupted by small requests and favors by those that provide for you.

Understand that you are the one with the freest schedule, so you are now the low man on the totem-pole.  It will be important for you to set some guidelines for your time management, so that you maintain some level of control over your schedule.

All that said, there is a lot of value in nodding, putting down whatever you are working on and simply doing the requested action.  You must remember that you are the guest in their household now, and it is your job to keep the peace and remain welcome.    

The real trick is to do more than expected, but on your own terms.  Then you can slowly start to reject the small requests, especially the unplanned ones.  It helps to make out-of-the-home commitments every day around the time that most last-minute requests occur (4-7PM for most people who work 9-5 jobs).  Start keeping an “interruption log” and fill it out whenever someone interrupts you *example below*.

So plan on going to the library from 3:30-6:30 every day to work on job applications.   To be even more effective, walk/bike/bus there, so you can’t pick up groceries/whatever on your way home.  Try to put yourself in positions where it simply wouldn’t make sense for your parents to ask you to do a task.  This will reduce the amount of requests you have to deny, and it will free up your schedule.  Most importantly, it will make the time you set aside to work DISTRACTION_FREE TIME, and the realization that this time is valuble might spur you into action more effectively than simply “working on it in your spare time”.

But for this to work, you have to do big, concrete things around the house that your parents will actually remember.  I understand that “Big, Concrete Things” is a pretty vague statement, so I will give you a few examples of BCTs that you can do that will ultimately free up your schedule:

A) Cooking a 8X batch of a gourmet meal that you already know your parents like, serving it to them that evening, and then freezing the other portions for quick meals-on-the-go.

B) Cleaning a bathroom, completely.

C) Detailing the family car

D) Doing the weekly grocery shopping, getting only things on “the list”

E) Doing the one thing that your Mom/Dad always wants done, but it somehow never seems to get done often enough (there’s always at least one thing)

These things will make a disproportionate impression on your parents.  One hour spent cleaning the bathroom is a lot more visible and memorable than running to the store to get a few onions.

Sometimes you will have to take a stand and say, “No, I will not do this thing this time.”  Make sure that you weigh the costs and benefits of doing this.  Also try to provide an alternative, a reason for your rejection, and a plan for the future, where this conflict will not occur because of X, Y, and Z.  Then get out of there, your job is done.



3.) Spend at least some "fun time" with your parents, even if you don't want to. 

Imagine that you just moved in with a roommate.  You have been friends for a long time and know each other quite well, but you have never lived with one another.  When they got home from work, wouldn’t it be a bit strange if you didn’t at least spend some time bullshitting with them about how their day went?  The same courtesy needs to be paid to your parents.  Go one further and spend at least an hour each day hanging out with them in a “fun” way.  If you have a TV show that you like to watch, this is a good way to watch it while still not “wasting” the time.  I know, I know.  There are only so many hours in the day, and you want to get out of here.  Still, try to imagine your parents as roommates now, and be courteous.  Talk to them a little bit, and even hang out once in awhile.  It will help your relationship.



4) Mirror your parents' sleep/wake schedule

If you’re like me, you like to wake up around 10AM.  Unfortunately, however productive you are during your waking hours, you will always come across as lazy to a morning person.  They either tell you (or silently judge you) as a less productive, industrious person. Sometimes this will be true, if you are spending the wee hours of the night watching TV or doing random web surfing. Nighttime is very conducive to this sort of thing, but it is also one of the best times to bust out some serious work.

I like working on projects at night, because I can be almost guaranteed to have ZERO distractions, and if I’m feeling inspired I can work for as long as I like.  While living at home, though, you should sleep as the Romans sleep.

Have you ever lived with someone who got out of bed later than you? What was your impression of that person? You will score huge ‘productivity’ points with your parents if you can just wake up 2 hours earlier than you normally would (even if you are just as productive as you were on your later schedule).

5) Limit your alcohol/drugs intake

I’m not your mother, and I don’t intend on becoming her.  But if I was her, I would be concerned whenever a beer touched your lips.

The thing to realize is that your parents really do have your best interests at heart here.  To them, you probably seem slightly depressed (and you may or may not be), but to the culture at large, moving back in with your parents seems like a backwards step in life.  You will have a lot to prove to everyone if you want to claim otherwise.
Now, I understand that you have probably become accustomed to college life, where you have probably been drinking a bit, and maybe smoking some weed, cigarettes, or something of the sort. I would suggest cutting it out for a while. If you continue to drink/use drugs, just know that you should keep it on the super down-low. Their concern is understandable.

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That's it for this week.  Let me know if these tips help you. Good luck, everybody.

Also, I found a book that was recently written. It's a cheap Kindle, and might be worth a look. It's called "The Almost Painless way to move back in with your parents".

Cheers,

Philip